A patient in my psychotherapy practice started many sessions in tears: “My son will not talk to me. I text and call him to discuss what’s wrong, but he ignores me. I can’t stand it!” This person is not alone in being iced out by key family members or friends.
One friend with three far-flung adult kids and a slew of grandchildren is permitted only occasional phone contact to arrange for infrequent visits, all designed with limits. She may not stay with her sons’or daughter’s families during visits. She is shut out if she calls or texts at undesignated times.
In other situations, angry or hurt spouses may also ignore their partners for days or weeks, refusing to utter a single word despite how desperate the iced-out partner may be. An enduring pattern of ignoring a married partner can contribute to divorce.
Silent treatment is a potent weapon. Turning a deaf ear to a loved one is a form of abuse, according to research on the impact of this maladaptive behavior. Brain studies show dramatic activity in the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, the area of the brain associated with the sensation of emotional pain. In other words, silent treatment hurts, often profoundly.
Initially, the person who is shut out feels helpless, sad, and angry. In time, feelings of resignation set in, “Not the resignation of being reconciled with a situation but a miserable state of alienation, hopelessness, and depression,” according to psychologist Kipling Williams, an expert on the effects of silent treatment. Victims of this mistreatment are less able to think clearly. Their self-esteem drops, and self-doubt encases their judgment in a dark cloud of uncertainty.
Why subject people we care about to such damaging mistreatment? Here are some reasons: 1. The inflictor is high in “Machiavellianism—a willingness to hurt and manipulate others for their gain, even a trivial one,” according to The Atlantic writer Arthur Brooks.
2. An unintentional coping mechanism for people who feel overwhelmed and unable to communicate their feelings. These people may become flooded with emotion and can’t respond effectively. Their words fly away.
3. Silent treatment can be a learned behavior, albeit ineffective and harmful in an adult, but it may have been the primary approach to conflict between that person’s parents. To enjoy loving adult relationships, the silent treatment perpetrator must unlearn that behavior.
It’s important to note that many of us may resort to stone-faced silence in certain relationships. A first step in learning to address being shut out is recognizing if you freeze out your loved ones. I am guilty of this and work to eliminate it from my repertoire.
How best to address silent treatment: 1. Don’t take it silently. 2. Stay calm. 3. Recognize that silent treatment is harmful.
4. Try not to take it personally. 5. Propose a constructive conversation at an agreed-upon time.
6. Seek professional help to learn better ways to cope with conflict.
Share your stories about addressing silent treatment with The Westfield Leader and Union County HAWK by writing “Gratitude” in the subject line and emailing press@goleader.com or pattisteckler@gmail.com.
